I’m interrupting the Ambitious Adam series this week and finally addressing the Dapper Dean saga.
I began this column in March talking about one of the most significant relationships of my life: Dapper Dean. I will reiterate, while we were never formally “in a relationship,” we still definitely created a very strong bond over the span of six years. I did not divulge much after the fiasco in Napa because at the time I was writing the series, I had met Mr. Perfect.
Mr. Perfect was a fan of my column and I noticed early on that he was very intuitive. Something I had always wished for in a partner but when I actually manifested and dealt with it, I started to regret! I always thought it would be amazing to meet a match who is intuitive like myself, but now I realize, it really is like being in a relationship with your mirror. So annoying.
Anyway, I didn’t think the regurgitation of Dapper Dean was going to disrupt my present reality since the story of him and I began six years ago. I still maintained a close friendship with Dean however, I finally had to cut him out of my life this past in July.
The last time I wrote about the separation between Dean and I, it was after he told me he was dating someone else. When I returned from Hawaii, Dean and I met up to discuss the Napa trip. While it was the ideal time to reveal all that I had felt for him and about his new girlfriend — I didn’t. I was not vulnerable with him. I never expressed to Dean how I had fallen for him, at that time. I only talked about my expectations of a commitment due to all those months we were spending time together.
Notice the difference between pre-enlightened Jehan and the enlightened Jehan? I was putting Dean into a preconceived box to satisfy a checklist for what the ideal relationship was. Which to me, was courting for a few months, getting engaged and then married soon thereafter. I was not living my life through my heart. Instead, I was living out of fear and within a rigid confinement I had placed upon myself. When you confine yourself to only your mental space, all you’re doing is cultivating fear.
I left the meeting feeling it was too painful to remain friends, so I told him I could no longer have him in my life in that capacity.
Shortly thereafter, I ran into Dean in Los Angeles. It took one conversation to reignite our friendship. From then on, we were very good friends. I spent the holidays with his gracious family and we both moved on — dating others. We never discussed our love lives or any past feelings we may have had for one another.
As our friendship grew over the years, I became dependent on him. Whenever I came across a difficult situation, he was the first person I called. Whether it was professional, personal or legal, Dean was always my first call. He was always there to help me even when I didn’t have the words to ask.
When I attended Dean’s wedding, I was overwhelmed with happiness when I saw him enter the ballroom with his bride. I was overcome with joy because of how happy he looked. It was confirmation to me that I did not harbor any residual feelings from the three-year “relationship” nor was I in love with him. Later on in the evening, five mutual friends approached me and said, “When we got the wedding invite, we were shocked your name wasn’t on it! Who is she? And why is she marrying YOUR guy?”
Obviously, that didn’t set the tone for an enjoyable evening. I left the wedding early and mulled over their comments for the rest of the weekend. Yet, I still could not identify [romantic] love for Dean. Only regret. I regretted not standing up for myself early on in the relationship and for not being vulnerable. Years after his wedding, our friendship still remained strong.
I met Mr. Perfect this summer and everything was magical. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew Mr. Perfect was sent to my life to be just that, magical. It did not take long for Mr. Perfect, who happens to also be intuitive, to notice that the energy between Dapper Dean and I was unhealthy. I had a conversation with Mr. Perfect regarding the history of Dean and I, especially as our social circles merged. Something my friends say to this day is that I made a colossal mistake. But I believe in transparency and open communication.
My dependency on Dapper Dean was tapering off as I began to fully engage myself in a new relationship. I was cutting energetic chords, at a rapid rate, and freeing myself of the emotional attachment. Instead of reaching for my phone daily to call Dean and share the news of my day, I called Mr. Perfect. Even though I had made massive progress in detangling my interconnected friendship with Dean, the lingering channel still disrupted my new relationship.
Cutting Dean out of my life was not something I thought I could fully be prepared to do, but when I did it, I felt emancipated. I had to take off my rose colored glasses and accept the fact that Dean can’t be enmeshed in my life — regardless of how platonic we were — because the energetic contract from our past is disrespectful to our significant others.
Yes, it took me years to understand this. And yes, it was a painful realization at first. Not only did I lose a friend of six years, but I also lost a family I had been accepted into when I did not have my own to physically get me through some of the darkest moments of my life. Living on your own, across the country from loved ones, makes you astonishingly vulnerable. I will never forget nor ever be able to return the love his family has shown me.
It took the platonic divorce over the summer for me to grasp the importance of being vulnerable and communicating it openly. If I had been more emotionally exposed with Mr. Perfect early on, perhaps the conversation and outcome regarding Dean would have been different. Perhaps, Mr. Perfect would have had a better understanding that my attachment to Dean and his family was out of a need to fill a void.
I was bewitched in the beginning of summer and felt that I could move mountains. I was caught in the tornado of bliss, which I spun with gratitude. I was held up in a storm momentarily, but ultimately, I soared.
I hope y’all found closure in the Dapper Dean series. This is my final answer to all 300+ emails regarding him!