Written by Anonymous
It took me 30 years to get to this point, but I forgive you. You, who spoke those hurtful words. You, who has ever made me feel like I am not good enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not whatever enough for your standards. You, who made me feel like nobody would ever want to marry me because I didn’t look like a Barbie doll. You, who said, “If only you lose some weight, we could find you a husband.” You, the condescending ‘gentlemen,’ who commented about how I look thinner in pictures or how you don’t like thick girls. You, those people who made me feel like I was too loud, too smart, too intimidating – always either too much or not enough, making that the story of my life.
What you don’t realize, all of you who said those hurtful comments over the years, is that YOU BROKE ME. You put me through hell – the inescapable hell that was in my mind. You wore me down to the point that I hated myself and couldn’t stand what I looked like when I saw myself in the mirror. I couldn’t see myself the way those who truly love me were able to see me. I went through terrible depression and couldn’t even see the joy in life anymore.
Have you ever hated yourself so much that you physically wanted to escape from your body just so you wouldn’t feel like you were trapped in a cage, so you wouldn’t have to live with yourself?
Have you ever loathed yourself to the point where all you can see are your flaws, and you had blinders on to all your beautiful characteristics, such as your pure heart, your kindness, or your genuine love for others?
Have you ever wanted so badly to be a different person, in a different body, with a different life?
Even though we know that Allah SWT made each of us special, and we shouldn’t want to be someone else, Astaghfurillah, when you are going through that negativity and self-doubt, it can be hard to remember that.
I felt for the longest time like I was living a lie. For all those people I told they are beautiful no matter what size they are, that they are lovely and perfect and whole, but I couldn’t tell myself the same thing. For all my life, I was verbally abusive to myself. Telling myself the lies that the Shaytan (Satan) was not just whispering, but SCREAMING at me:
That I am not good enough.
That I am not worthy of love.
That nobody should choose to be with me because they can do better.
But even after the agony you put me through, I forgive you. And I want to thank you because 2017 was one of the most depressing, physically draining, exhausting years of my life when I truly hit rock bottom. But I now know that I had to completely break down and lose hope in order to ignite the spark to make a change in my life. For so long, I helped everyone else with their problems because it was easier than dealing with my own. I put everyone else’s needs and care before my own self-care. It was finally when I decided to actually face my problem that I was able to make a change.
“I am more than a number on the scale, my waist or hip size, my pants/dress size, or any other number that I let define my self-worth for too long.”
After speaking with my lovely healer, Jehan Mansy, I can finally say I was able to let go of all the negativity, to truly forgive those people, and to work on learning to love myself. She taught me to imagine myself at my heaviest and most unhappy, and to push that girl and all the negativity into a vortex. After my session with her, I remember crying profusely like I haven’t cried in a long time, and apologizing to myself for not loving myself or appreciating everything that makes me who I am. I have been on a journey of health, fitness, weight loss, healing, and self-love. With the support of so many of my friends and family, I have not only lost 25 pounds, I have started working out regularly, drinking more water, practicing mindfulness, and being truly thankful to God for the gift of health and of life. I had to learn to love myself unconditionally because life happens and things are never going to be perfect. I am more than a number on the scale, my waist or hip size, my pants or dress size or any other number that I let define my self-worth for too long.
I promise that if I am ever blessed with a daughter, I will model only self-love and self-care for her, so she doesn’t grow up feeling like her physical looks define her worth as a human being. I have to be strong for her, and I can truly say I am in a much better place now than I have ever been in my life. I am truly at peace and feel like I have come a long way, Alhamdulilah. I finally let go. And I healed. By the grace of God.
To all those who broke me, thank you. I forgive you.