Everybody I have ever loved has left me. Whether a romantic relationship or within my own family, everyone I opened my heart to left. Through painful (read: maddening) yoga poses and a new modality of therapy I’m trying out, I realized underneath my anger is a marriage between loneliness and abandonment.
Nobody’s childhood is perfect. Except mine, of course. I have the perfect parents. I was provided for, nurtured, and supported in so many ways. Through the natural progression of life, when relationships ran their course, I had my parents to lean on for emotional support. Moving across the country years ago was the first test in my emotional independence because I was faced with learning how to be alone without that security blanket. Therefore, abandonment doesn’t stem from my childhood, clearly.
In my early twenties, I fell in love for the first time. This quickly turned into an engagement and the instant we were faced with an obstacle, my ex-fiancé left. The obstacle was my eating disorder. He claimed he did not, “need this kind of drama” in his life and he wanted a “stress-free” relationship. He left faster than you could order take out.
Oddly enough, that break up made me feel like a failure, even though it was inconceivable to me that a man who proclaimed to love me would abandon me the second I showed my vulnerability. My lesson from that relationship was to accept one simple fact: someone is going to break my heart. He left me sobbing in my pillow for weeks months and the degree of pain was numbing. In that misery, it did not matter how many times my friends showed up at my doorstep with a carton of Grater’s Ice Cream and a box of tissues, I felt incredibly lonely.
The obstacle was my eating disorder
In the depths of loneliness, we are forced to see ourselves in a way which does not depend on validation from others. You do not need anyone’s affection or approval in order to be good enough. I took the time to reconnect with myself and it was a pleasant experience to be comfortable with just myself.
After a handful of relationships over the years, I found myself going through a tumultuous period of my life, in my late twenties. I had gone through my first lay off and subsequently moved in with a sibling, thinking the move to a new city where I had family would soothe the financial and emotional blow. To this day, four years later, I do not understand what the catalyst was that caused the division, but my sibling did not want to share space with me. Nor was the relationship even worth salvaging, on the receiving end. For two years post the split, my relentless calls went unanswered, and at one point I was even blocked. I begged for reconciliation and pleaded for us to seek therapy. My insistence wore off and I accepted the fact that my own sibling abandoned me.
So, there I was, without a job, in a city where I did not have more than two friends, with no place to live, and a heart that had too many holes in it. I couldn’t drown my sorrows in alcohol, since I don’t drink. Nor could I escape the dark moments. I had to sit with the loneliness. Again.
I needed to stop the blame game and self-pity party. Therefore, I stopped dating for approximately two years and fell in love with myself. I traveled alone, picked up new hobbies, and cultivated my spirituality. As I became comfortable with my loneliness, I was ready to be human [again] and connect with someone. God listened and blessed me with Mr. Perfect, who revived my soul. Only a month into this galactic union, Mr. Perfect shape-shifted into my ex-fiancé, as the obstacle we faced resulted in him leaving me for the exact same reasons as my ex. At the time, my friends were, in Mr. Perfect’s words, “causing drama,” and he felt he needed to be “stress free.” So, he left me. He left when I felt safe and at the pivotal point I allowed my soul to be exposed in raw authenticity.
The numbing sensation came back with a vengeance. Everything I experience hits me raw, intense, and deep. Since I wasn’t providing my body with enough food, my heart fed off this numbness. My heart ate away so much, I literally developed a heart murmur. I have been left by too many people and I believed there was something wrong with me. As if I was unworthy of love.
When someone abandons you, it isn’t actually about you. It’s about them and their own insecurities. Your worth isn’t contingent upon others’ acceptance of you. You exist. Therefore, you matter.
I am exhausted with healing my loneliness and underlying persona that keeps spinning this tale. I am exhausted with accepting this pit of hollowness that makes me want to retreat into isolation. I know I hold the power to change the way in which loneliness makes me feel. I believe that every time I am pushed into this spiral it is because the Universe is about to upgrade my situation. These bouts of sadness are shifts in consciousness as old wounds and old habits are shedding.
We are going through (one of) the greatest changes in history. That which no longer serves our highest good is crumbling. Light alters frequency and the energy that does not align with your frequency will not vibrate with you. This will make space in your life for Divine miracles to manifest. By entering the dark night of your soul, you can open the light of your soul.