Ah Tinder, the dating app we hate to love and love to hate. The app that has inspired such Instagram pages like Tinder Nightmares and Tinder Convos and Girl With No Job. A majority of women’s experiences on Tinder tend to be the same. You tell yourself you’re not looking for anything serious, you won’t get caught up in it, you’re just curious to see what’s out there – and then three hours later you kick yourself out of that swiping trance you fell into and you’ve got 37 matches that you don’t remember swiping right for. It’s the same story every time. Well ladies and gentleman, my story is JUST a tad different. I am here to tell you what it’s like to be a hijabi on Tinder; and it is NOT fun.
Quality vs. Quantity
I am absolutely convinced that guys increase their odds by swiping right for every single woman they see on the app. I know I am pretty, but when I get 10/10 matches I tend to be suspicious. Especially when I match and the conversation does not extend beyond, “hello“.
Excuse me, sir, why are you wasting my time and perfectly good “hello”?!
Seriously though, one quick Google search and you’ll confirm what I am saying.
Seriously though, what did I expect from an app that was produced off the idea of grindr – a notorious hook up app that was created to (literally) service the gay population. After all, Tinder is a numbers game. The more you swipe, the higher your odds of matching and getting laid.
Seriously though, silly me for actually taking to it to find a quality man being a quality woman who deserves more than a half ass swipe.
Fetish – say whaaaaaaaaaaaat?!
Thanks to various porn stars who have taken my hijab and portrayed it as some convoluted sex fantasy, women like me have become some-what of a fetish in most male circles. How do I know this? Well because I have been told straight up time and time again by the “horses mouths” themselves. I would have loved to live out the rest of my years without this knowledge – because now I question the intention and motives of every non-Muslim man I encounter (yes I said it, I hang out with non-Muslim men as a hijabi).
Tinder is a numbers game.
I matched with a guy whose opening line was, “can you keep that on during sex”. I dropped my phone and clutched my pearls. “Excuse me?” I responded. He boldly stated, “like Mia Khalifa, she wears it in her porn videos. That is such a turn on.”
*Blocked. Unmatched. Chat DELETED*
And yes, I Googled Mia Khalifa and was not impressed.
That was not the first or last time I opened up my Tinder app to see a message like that. It made my skin crawl.
Look, I get the appeal of a hijabi woman. We are forbidden fruit – literally something you cannot have. We are the ultimate conquest and it may seem like we are playing hard to get, but, and trust me when I say this, we are not. We are actually hard to get, as is any woman with morals, values, self esteem, self worth and dignity.
“Can you keep that on during sex”.
Seeing a hijabi woman and wondering what is underneath, what her hidden personality is, whether she secretly turns up or just turns down 24/7 is exciting. I GET IT! However, EW! ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
Please do not cast me as the starring role in your creepy fantasy because I am not a fetish, I am a lady.
I cannot begin to tell you how many conversations have started out great and then fizzled out almost immediately. It is as if they realize underneath my hijab actually lies a brain with thoughts and intelligence.
Here is what I believe to be that actual thought process of the guys I match with and talk to on Tinder:
oh, she is pretty and wears hijab…SCORE! swipe right.
WE MATCHED. I will let her make the first move, just so I know she wants this for real.
Oh shit, she said ‘hi’. OK I will say ‘hi’ back.
She is witty, sarcastic and seems fiery. I can work with this
Oh crap, she seems smart and as if she has standards & morals.
I would bet my life that I basically just nailed it.
I am NOT Another Notch
This brings me to my next point. I am not another notch on your belt of one night stands or random hook-ups. I even wrote this in my profile, which I now have come to realize no one actually reads. Who cares what I have to say, just as long as I am pretty and willing, right?
WELL I AM NOT.
I have been told so many times that Tinder is an app for hook-ups but I still used to believe there were guys on there looking for something real. What I found was a plethora of fuckboys and a whole lot of screen shots shared to my girls for a good laugh or cry.
It confuses me because there are men, women, and couples who make their intentions quite known. They write what they are looking for point blank and if that is what you want, go for it. However, there are people like me who very clearly explain, “NOT LOOKING FOR A HOOK UP“, yet here these fuckboys go thinking I am just kidding.
No still means No, fellas.
I am just chalking it up to lessons learned.
“Oh, wait. You’re ACTUALLY Muslim?” – WTF.
My favorite part is when the light bulb goes off in their peanut brains and they suddenly realize I am not playing a part on social media. I struggle to find the words to express my amusement with how many, “oh wait, you’re actually Muslim” messages I have received. Yes, dingbat, I am.
Why would I think that placing a scarf on my head would gain me more favor? Especially with all the Islamophobic rhetoric being spewed on news and social media.
What makes it especially odd is that these morons actually swipe with the thought that I am playing a role. As if I have suddenly appeared with the sole purpose to fill their dark fantasies and satisfy their carnal desires.
Sorry sparky, I am just here looking for my soul mate. Someone I can binge watch Netflix with, not Netflix and chill with. Someone I can work up a sweat with as a gym partner, not sexual partner. Someone I can share my hopes and dreams with, not fantasies and fetishes.
So I guess you’re all wondering whether or not I am still torturing myself on Tinder.
The answer is……Drum roll PLEASE…….I am not.
I have decided long ago that I would be wasting my time and energy by entertaining the childish antics of these boys passing themselves off as men. Don’t get me wrong, there are guys who state very clearly, “just looking for a hook up. Nothing serious”. Hats off to those men because they aren’t stringing anyone along or deceiving women into ultimately getting played. However, there are far too many sour grapes than I care for and it was just not for me.
In fact, Tinder, Bumble, Arablounge, Minder (yes, the Muslim Tinder)….they all share the same thing; filled with fuckboys wasting everyone’s time.
So I will leave you with this, while I may have made it seem funny and lax in this post, these apps and dating sites can be quite dangerous for hijabi women. With the current political climate and anti Muslim bigotry dominating the mainstream media, please be careful. You do not know what someone is actually thinking or if they are actually who they say they are. It can very easily turn into a situation where you may be fighting for your life. I’m not saying not to do it, I’m saying just be smart about what you share and who you are actually sharing it with. Pin your location to your friends and send them a picture of him or her. Meet in a public, moderately crowded space with security cameras. Do NOT allow someone to pick you up from your home if you DO NOT KNOW who they actually are. Always have an escape plan and check in with your friends or family throughout the night.
While I specifically warn hijabi women, this message applies to all men & women alike.
Please be careful – and stay safe.