" /> I Had Sex Before Marriage… And I Don’t Regret It.

I Had Sex Before Marriage… And I Don’t Regret It.

Growing up, sex was never talked about in my household. If my mom ever spoke of rape, she would say “the guy did something really bad to the girl”. My siblings and I never got the ‘birds and the bees’ talk from our parents. All that I know of sex came from school, friends, and porn. Yes, porn. After being molested at a very young age, porn became my safe haven. I’ll talk about that some other time though. Hell, I didn’t even know babies came out of vaginas till I got to high school. I didn’t have an older sister to confide in or ask questions and my best friend did not have any experience of her own. I also didn’t have the type of relationship with my older female cousins where we would discuss our virginities.

I grew up afraid of boys. But I also loved boys. I was absolutely boy crazy. But I was afraid of them. I was afraid when they got too close. I was afraid when they would lean in for a kiss. I was afraid of their touch. This fear stayed with me for most of my life. Even as a young woman in my 20’s, surrounded by sexually active friends, I was afraid of men. I didn’t date; I couldn’t. Not because I was a Muslim and wasn’t allowed to, but because I was so deathly afraid of the opposite sex that I couldn’t have a functioning relationship. I think it all stems from my earlier years of sexual abuse and from having such a strict upbringing, but I am still coming to terms with that.

I grew up afraid of boys.

I started seeing a therapist a few years ago, and she urged me to go out and have sex. She told me women who are sexually abused at a young age either turn out to be very promiscuous and sexually active or prude and scared of sex. She urged me to explore my sexuality. Not with a random stranger, but when I felt the time was right, and found someone I could trust. My therapist was a Muslim woman. I specifically chose a Muslim therapist because I wanted someone who understood my culture, religion and upbringing. Go out and have sex was the last thing I wanted to hear from her though. This ended up being one of the main reasons as to why I dissolved my relationship with this therapist.

Two years ago, I met a boy. He wasn’t my type. He was nothing I thought I liked. But I fell for him. This guy was different than others in the past. This was the first guy I wasn’t afraid of. In fact, I wanted him closer to me. I yearned for his touch when he didn’t give it to me. I’d never felt like that about anyone else before. Something about him made me want him more and more each time I thought about him or laid eyes on him. I wanted from him, everything I was always afraid of. A month and a half after meeting him, he took my virginity. We weren’t in a relationship. We were just hanging out here and there and getting to know each other. It wasn’t planned. It just happened. And in that moment of it happening, I was completely relaxed and excited that it was happening. I couldn’t believe it was finally happening. It didn’t hurt. I didn’t bleed. It didn’t feel like the worst or dirtiest thing in the world, the way I was brought up to believe it to be. In fact, it felt great, double-orgasms and all. I couldn’t wait to do it again. It felt better than I ever imagined it could. In fact, I felt like I was, in a way, becoming  addicted to sex – like I had to keep doing it to make up for the last 20+ years. I wanted sex everyday. We did it everywhere. In my car, at work, at his job, at the park, at the beach, for breakfast, for lunch, at a restaurant, you name it… we did it.

It didn’t hurt. I didn’t bleed.

I always thought I’d be the girl who waited until marriage. I actually planned on it. You know, since I had good, strict parents and all. If I didn’t wait until marriage, I thought I would wait at least a year or two before having sex in a serious relationship. I was always making plans for losing my virginity. I thought I’d be wearing lingerie for my first time (which I was not and still have never worn). I thought I’d be in love when I lost it. But that’s not at all how it went down. I never thought I’d orgasm from intercourse, (because the world and Google make you think that it’s impossible) but I’m always the first to reach climax – as it should be! Nothing about losing my virginity turned out the way I planned or expected it to.

Before having sex, when I’d meet another Muslim girl and she was open about still being a virgin, I’d sigh in relief and think to myself, “Phew! I’m not the only one. Glad I waited and that she and I are in the same boat!” Then I’d meet another Muslim girl that wasn’t shy about not being a virgin, and I’d think to myself, “Hmm sex can’t be the worst thing a Muslim girl does in the world. She had pre-martial sex and she’s still alive. Maybe I should join that boat.”

Truth is, I hated being a virgin. A very tiny part of me was glad I was a virgin because I thought it was the right thing, and that it would make my future husband happy. But I never thought about what would make ME happy. I hated being a virgin, and I didn’t want a virgin future husband (sorry virgin fella’s out there). I wanted him to be experienced. And I wanted to have fun on my wedding night. I didn’t want to be in pain or to be lying in blood the way they tell you it will happen. Part of me always felt like I didn’t fit in with my girl and guy friends and that was partially sex related. Most of my friends were American and non-Muslim, so virginity wasn’t the biggest deal to them. Sometimes I felt like I’d get a free pass from God and he’d forgive me for having premarital sex, since I had been sexually abused. Other times I felt like I was getting back at my parents by having premarital sex, because they didn’t protect me enough.

Years later I now realize that my therapist was right. I needed to have sex. I needed that experience. Sex was missing from my life. The experience of sex was missing from my life. Intimacy was missing in my life. It felt like that certain building block was missing. I was ready for my first real relationship and having sex was a part of that. I am grateful that my first little rendezvous turned into a committed relationship. He didn’t judge me for having sex so early on with him. He didn’t hit it and bounce. He didn’t even know I was a virgin, until I told him a few weeks later. I felt embarrassed telling him about it, but I think it made him want me more. I am definitely glad I waited as long as I did. But I knew I was ready and I did it for myself. Not because my peers were doing it, and not because I was pressured by a guy to do it. I feel lucky that I ended up with such a passionate lover for my first time. I grew up thinking sex was just something you did for your husband… a favor, if you will.

Did I just get lucky my first time? Maybe. Will I regret this down the road if this man I lost my virginity to does not turn out to be my husband? Possibly. Will I pretend to be a virgin on my wedding night? Fuck no. I want nothing to do with a man who’s going to question my virginity or let my value be determined upon whether I’ve had sex or not. For now I am happy, healthy, content and sexually satisfied.

XOXO Lucy

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Lucy Diamond
Lucy Diamond

didn't they tell you i was a savage?

17 Comments
  1. Sallams,

    I’m not sure what reactions Lucy is expecting from the readers?

    “Oh great, well done, you’ve committed a major sin in Islam, way to go girl!”

    Or

    “Mmm, sex before marriage, Lucy was my catalyst to make me give up my virginity before marriage”.

    Lucy is a grown women and knows the spiritual consequences of her action, as having consented sex is a choice that both partners make, and make alone. I hope she seeks tawbah (forgiveness) and moves on from this. But to denigrate people for being virgins isn’t acceptable. I’m sorry she was a victim of childhood abuse, but to make pre-marital sex agreeable to those who don’t believe in pre-marital sex is patronising and, frankly, from an Islamic perspective, wrong.

    1. Salam,
      This was not written to garner reactions or approval from others. Releasing my experiences and stories to the world is a form of therapy and healing for me. I hope my experience can help someone out there who is dealing or has dealt with similar situations. Before MissMuslim came to be, i scoured the web looking for help and experiences of other Muslim girls dealing with anything remotely similar to what i went through, to no avail. Thanks for the warm welcoming! XOXO

      1. I don’t mean to offend and unfortunately there will be both muslim men and women in the same situation as yourself. Dealing with any sin, whether its drinking alcohol, stealing, harming someone or having sex outside marriage, is to seek repetence and do your utmost to avoid it afterwards. Even if you enjoy the fact that you’ve committed a sin (which is deemed grave by our religious edicts), to promote it and encourage others who are struggling to maintain their virtues and maintain their virginity until marriage is wrong, especually on a website aimed at a muslim readership base.

        No one is perfect, and we all need to seek tawbah for our past actions. I’m not speaking down to you to embarass or offend. Just giving advice. Please feel free to correct me when needed, Your my sister in islam after all.

  2. This is one person’s account of something deeply personal that she has shared with us. You can take it or leave it. Minus the sexual abuse (which I’m really sorry about, Lucy), I have had the exact same sentiments as a virgin. I fear men and fear intimacy, although I love boys as well. It’s something I keep struggling with as I try to make sense of who I am and what I really want with religion always in the back of my mind. Thank you for sharing this, Lucy. It definitely resonated with me and I’m sure many, many other women.

    1. Thank you for your kind words and for reading my story. I, like you, have always had God and religion in the back of my mind for every decision i have made. I pray that God forgives me for disappointing him and his set rules. I am sure if i had a different childhood, or if i were raised in a different environment, i wouldn’t have made the same choices. God is the most merciful. XOXO

    2. I’m sure Missmuslim.nyc has put the comments section for each article to encourage debate and discussion, and readers aren’t compelled to agree everything written. Hence, I have used to comments facility to highlight my views.

  3. I will tell you right off the bat I’m a moral nihilist. I don’t believe in morality of one kind or another, whether of the Muslim variety, or the secular humanist variety. So whatever you believe is moral or immoral I would label as incorrect, whatever that is.

    But your version of morality doesn’t seem to be consistent with all the connotations that most societies and probably yourself want to associate with morality. People who follow ‘moral’ rules and do what they ‘should’ be doing are generally praised and held in high regard because they are said to put in a lot of effort and work into doing ‘good.’ I’m assuming you also hold such connotations to be true.

    Yet in your article, your entire line of reasoning to deviate from whatever Islam might tell you is that doing so ’empowers’ you. Your claim is that if your morality, which in this case tells you not to lust after others, whether that is through sex outside of marriage, looking (not lowering the gaze) at others in person or pornography, etc, can be thrown out because it doesn’t make you feel fulfilled and empowered, a word which everyone seems to be using these days. Every moral rules must make you feel empowered or it will be thrown out is the message, as you echo in sexual morality in this article.

    This doesn’t appear to be a moral code that you can expect others to admire. Putting one’s own empowerment at the top of the list and cutting away anything that doesn’t make us feel satisfied is a far cry from how morality is portrayed. If this is what morality means, then is it worth anything, since it requires little work? Part of my motivation that led to me becoming a moral nihilist is that this is how morality works, whether religious or secular. I can’t really have respect for morality if that’s how it is.

  4. Part 2 of comment:

    This is what I mean. I don’t know if you still consider yourself Muslim, maybe you don’t, but from the context I gather you still do. I see absolutely no relationship between what you’re advocating and what the book Muslims claim to believe in says.

    In chapter 12 in the quran, in the story of Joseph, one of the main plot points in the story is that Joseph was supposedly enslaved and sold to some rich man and woman in Egypt (Not saying I believe this story happened. I’m not a Muslim or even a theist, I’m simply relating what your book says). The wife tried to seduce Joseph, and since in his moral code, he rejects anything lewd or pornographic or whatever, and does not want to see her naked and lust after her, etc, he chooses to run. He says in the story that he would rather go to prison than engage in what he believes is immoral.

    So Joseph would rather go to prison than lust where he believes he shouldn’t. In what way is what you’re advocating anywhere near what Joseph’s story advocates? Joseph says one should rather go to prison and exercise self control. You’re advocating that when times get tough, when one doesn’t feel sexually satisfied, just go for it. I couldn’t come up with two stories with diametrically opposed lessons to them. How both stories could be Muslim at the same time I have no idea.

    I don’t believe in morality. Nothing is moral or immoral, it’s all a social construct, but if I did, I’d choose Joseph’s over yours because at least when someone said ‘He’s good person’, that would actually be the result of putting in hard work. Atleast with his, the connotations we associate with morality are fulfilled. Taking out all the hard work results in the phrase being meaningless.

  5. I find this entire article appalling and it should be removed from the site because this is far from Muslim.

  6. Lucy, see the mental state for a Muslim to have is know that he/she is constantly being test. Having said that, you’ve basically illustrated how your average young muslim’s iman (faith) has been weakened. Everyone has their struggles Lucy. I’m a 24 year old male and haven’t seen a vagina since the day i came out one, i’m sure we both know how hard it is especially with the women of today and friends constantly talking about what they did to that girl last weekend. My mindset on the other hand refuses to allow society to come in-between my religion, in other words i’m not a sheep just because my friends are enjoying their sex life don’t mean i have to follow. Why? because i know the consequences, my family never talked to me about sex, you know where i learnt all my information? mosques, asking the imam reading books. So please do not glorify having sex and quite frankly your therapist is indeed a ‘shaidaan’ because shaidaan goal is to mislead you and she didn’t exactly guide you did she? As a sister though i hope you find yourself and ask for forgiveness because your not the only person with struggles out here, like i said everything is a test always bear that in mind.

  7. My real (not temporal) fear fears none but Allah and Allah’s Warning. La ilaaha illa Allah Al Azim.

    No sex is safe (with or w/o a condom) except marriage that Allah’s Word (Quran) made lawful.

    My real pain (suffering) is only my falsehoods and sins in my soul. Glory (true pride) belongs to only Allah. Indeed i have wronged my own soul.

    Any pain (suffering) in or not in my body is (unreal) only an earthly, not a Hereafter pain. See?

    Subhan’Allah. A’uzu billah. Ya Al Hayyu Al Qayyum. Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un.

    This life (time) doesn’t go by slow or fast. It just suddenly ends (comes to a sudden end). : |

    Regret is in the future more than in the past or present. All of us will One Day prove it.

    Thus, my death is present. The True Day of only (arabic word meaning Gd’s) Allah’s Judgment is present. Alas! Or Behold! Most finally, only Heaven anew or Hell underworld is forever present.

    In the final end, our souls will submit to only Allah. No one else. So true.

    Gratitude admits how Kindly Merciful Allah is to let us repent and be cured again countless times until we die. Denial only ignores Allah’s Command for a time far, far shorter than satan’s time.

    Hell is fair. Only my denial in sin and of regret is unfair.

  8. Lucy, I must confess that read your article makes me feel there is somebody out there who understand what I am feeling. I had sex for first time with a gorgeous guy last Saturday. I am 32 years old and he is three years younger than me. And it was terrific!! Unlike you, I blooded and it hurted me a little but it was amazing and end it all with a chat under the blankets. I am not in love with him, he is a good friend and this happens after a friendly meeting. I had some time without see him and I was really missing his company and support.

    That day everything happened, our first kiss lead to a night together. And moreover, we did it again in the morning. Even with the pain and blood, I don’t regret it. I am Catholic, I like to pray and go to mass and yes, before this happened, I was feeling myself as a weird young woman. I felt like I was not pretty enought, sexy enought or smart enought to have a guy interested in having sex with me. I had boyfriends before, but they left me and changed me for other woman.

    I am sorry this is seen as a sin for Muslims and Catholics. I will not became a promiscuos girl and, I certainly know you are not one too. Yes, you did it in many places with that guy and you are enjoying yourself as I did, GOOD FOR YOU!
    I do not know how people in this days can we ask for independent woman and fight for woman rights if we don’t let ourselves to be. The morning after we did it, we went to the pharmacy to buy to buy the morning-after pill and the women clerk treat me so badly! My guy was hugging me and looked at us with disgust. Why? We do not want to have babies now and we are being responsible people. Fuck that! I think, and I bought the pill in somewhere else.

    I do not want to cheat. I want to eat the Eucharist But I know I can’t if I do not confess my sin. But, how to do it if I do not have regrets? Before we did it, I put myself in God hands. I though that If that was not meant to be, he would help me stop it. Instead of that my guy became so caring and loving that I was not feel any shame or fear.
    If I could, If he want it too, I want to keep doing it. I have been having so much pain in my periods and I was feeling so depress before this because of that. I am asking God his favor and forgiveness but the truth is that I felt God allow me to do this to compensate all the men who left me before. Since my dad to my last boyfriend (who said he loved me and wanted to wait until marriage and then changed me for other girl)

    You know what? I would love my friend and I to have a commited relationship as you did with your man,I will fight for it, cause I will never forget who made me feel finally a WOMAN of 32 years old.

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