Hard Truth Tuesday is where readers submit questions or seek advice from our MissMuslim relationship blogger – Faiza Rammuny. To submit your questions – email Faiza at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dear Faiza –
My boyfriend called me a bitch a month ago. He’s never done this before and we’ve been dating for six months. It really hurt me, especially after seeing your Man Up Monday video because it made perfect sense to me. He would kill a guy if they called his mom or one of his three sisters a bitch. I approached him and he told me that he called me a bitch because I was “acting like a bitch.” I let it slide but yesterday he called me a bitch again and so I called him a son of a bitch and he went AWOL. He said he can’t be with a woman who called his mom a bitch, but he can call me a bitch?? What is this double standard?? Am I wrong?? Should I apologize?? Or should I wait for him to apologize?? I don’t mind saying sorry if I’m wrong. FYI
Dear Princess- Because that’s what you are… a Princess. Remember that always.
I find it rather entertaining how often a man can call a woman out of her name, but completely go into Douchebag Hibernation the moment the term is thrown back at him or someone he loves. I believe you have every reason to be upset. Even when a woman is “acting like a bitch,” as he so eloquently put it, a man has zero excusable reasons to EVER call a woman by anything, other than her name. Other endearing names like Sweetheart, honey, Princess, Queen, etc. are permitted but Bitch is NOT on the table! When a man claims a woman as his own- and vise versa- you enter into a partnership; calling your woman a bitch, in fact, makes the man a bitch as well.
Now, here’s the hard truth. I feel you’re at fault for one thing- something many of us women are at fault for- letting it go the first time. Certain men are like spoiled children; you give them that piece of candy after they throw a tantrum, and they will always feel they are untouchable. In turn, they’ll keep doing, saying, and acting in a hurtful manner simply because WE let it slide. These types of men interpret our nurturing and forgiving nature as a get out of jail free card that never seems to expire. If it’s not addressed the first time it will continue to happen, as it has; because, in a sense, you’ve coddled bad behavior.
You are his woman. His equal. His partner. You’re not his mother! No matter how right or wrong a child may be a mother will, oftentimes, overlook hurtful words or actions from her child because forgiveness is the nature of a mother’s love. You can love your boyfriend, and excuse certain things, but being called a bitch is NOT one of them.
I feel as though you have one thing to apologize for, and that’s for calling his mother a bitch. A mother shouldn’t have to answer for or be dragged into a child’s problems or lack of respect. Children can receive an A+ upbringing from a parent(s) and still grow up to call a woman out of her name. In a moment of anger it’s hard to control what we say, so don’t be hard on yourself because those words would never have come out of your mouth if he had never initiated the name calling.
If anything, I hope this shows him that you won’t stand for any man calling you out of your name and, perhaps, this is the time to set those boundaries. Women are naturally forgiving, and we should never change that. But it’s another thing to coddle a man’s disrespectful behavior. You deserve to be treated with the same respect he reserves for his mother or sisters. Your boyfriend calling you out of your name is NOT a sign of respect.