Time does not heal all wounds. Grief does not disappear. There is no magic wand to erase the aftermath of trauma. Trust me, I have been searching for the damn twig for over a decade. It takes more than prayer to reform the emotional, psychological, spiritual and often times physical effects of pain. It may take weeks, months or years to recover and that is OK. You have permission to process the hurt on your own timeline. By doing so, you are giving yourself compassion and space to repair the gash.
When the pain becomes unbearable it numbs us. At this stage, most people turn to escapism to deal with the pit of hollow instead of facing it head on. And that too, is OK -momentarily. My form of escapism was focusing on helping other people through the spiritual knowledge I have acquired over the years. But, I reached my limit. I am exhausted with farting rainbows and sprinkling fairy dust over everybody’s life when I thought the flames of hell within me were extinguished.
A friend told me I need to relax and disconnect from people. I accepted an invitation by a gracious friend to journey through a three week retreat at her house by the beach. I’ve slept more than I have in the last two years, combined. And I am still tired. I can’t sleep off my inner junk. Thereafter, I thought maybe I need a label to explain the inexplicable. Was I depressed? I sought therapy and nope, I am not depressed. I’m back at square one. What is causing the unsettling feeling? I’m not spiritually thirsty. My connection to God is the strongest it’s been and I am fulfilled in my prayer and supplication. You cannot get close to God without experiencing pain.
I am exhausted with farting rainbows and sprinkling fairy dust over everybody’s life when I thought the flames of hell within me were extinguished.
So, what is it? I waited. Got tired. Got restless. Lost hope. Then let go.
Oh, that’s right. I am just human. Life is hard. Relationships are hard. Family is, for me, the hardest. I need to accept the fact I am only human and even with all the spiritual work I have done to awaken my soul, it does not equate to erasing the pain I have gone through and often times am triggered by it.
What a relief! I didn’t need a label to remind me to give myself compassion. My healer gave me a mantra to meditate on, “I AM perfect, whole and complete.” This simple line of truth catapulted my process of self-compassion. With this new outlook I realized it’s vital for me to give myself permission to disassociate [whether momentarily or permanently] from the people and circumstances that caused and ignited my trauma.
By doing this, I am detaching from expectations of people. Without expectations, I can remain present. Remaining present, prevents being stuck in the past and having anxiety about the future.
What happened as I started exercising self-compassion? I cried so much, my eyes were swollen shut for half of a day. Through my tears and meditation, I realized I never gave myself permission to feel unrestricted. For example, I’ve held onto the repetitive pattern of heartache for so long, I recently developed a heart murmur as a result of not resolving my emotions. For most of my life, I’ve handed my heart away but I didn’t give a guidebook to those on the receiving end.
I’ve found extreme solace in exercising mindfulness, first. I always open my meditation by chanting the Diving attribute, “Al-Fattah” (the Opener) ninety-nine times. You have to turn inwards to embrace it. Be patient until it’s revealed to you and once it is shown, be tender with it.
Second, I accepted and allowed the emotion to come through and I transmuted it. If it’s sadness, I cry it out. If it’s anger, I go for a run or journal. Heal deeper, elevate through the hurt.
Remaining present, prevents being stuck in the past and having anxiety about the future.
Third, I looked and spoke to myself as a friend. The same healer who gave me the mantra, suggested I practice this as a new form of self-care. This allowed me to speak kindly to myself and shift my own perception and inner dialogue. If you need a mantra here’s a suggestion, “You are a badass sorcerer of Divine light!“
Fourth, I stopped comparing my growth to others expectations. You don’t like this new gypsy life I’m living? Sorry not sorry, #IDGAF.
Lastly, I gave myself permission to tell anybody who tries to disturb my inner peace or who polices the way in which I deal with pain, to take a walk. If killing them with kindness doesn’t work, try voodoo. Just kidding!
While time does not heal all wounds, with patience, determination and wisdom – time gives you the space to find which path to healing works for you. It doesn’t matter where you are in this exact moment or how debilitating it may seem. Just keep believing in yourself with radical conviction that you will find your way through this storm.